Fish-Brain Syndrome
Fish-Brain Syndrome
Written by
Alejo Cerrato
Characters: 2
Randy, 60+
Amelia, 55+
Synopsis:
A discussion about a neurological disorder turns into an all-out marital war when an older couple discovers that remembering the name of the condition is much easier than forgetting years of grievances.
INT. LIVING ROOM. EVENING.
Amelia
I saw Rose at the market yesterday. Her daughter was with her, too.
Randy
I haven’t seen her in a while. She's gotta be finishing high school by now...
Amelia
Randy, she's married. And has two kids... one just started college...
Randy
Jesus Christ!
(beat)
How's she doing?
Amelia
I’m not sure… she has all these ticks…
Randy
Ticks?
Amelia
Yes. In her face, her arms, everywhere!
She was twitching like a crackhead…
Randy
Drugs!
Amelia
I don’t know… You think everybody is on drugs...
Randy
Because everybody is!
They are gonna make drugs mandatory in a year or two...
Amelia
(waving him off) Ah...
Anywho, she was talking nonsense… and cursing at everybody!
The cashier, the people in line in front of her... even a little dog tied to a signpost.
She called it a lazy, good-for-nothing, oversized rat!
(beat - thinking)
The dog did look like an oversized rat, though…
Randy
I can't stand those dogs…
(beat - reminiscing)
Remember when we used to babysit her? She was so cute…!
Amelia
She’s all grown now. But no one is gonna put up with the language...
Randy
I think I know what she has! She probably got that thing that was on TV the other day. What was it called…
Ah, yes! The Poirot’s!
Amelia
She's got what?!
Randy
You know...
(remembering)
That thing that makes you say the darnedest things at the wrong time.
(beat)
Like Ms. Parker from church who says "that motherfucker" every time the preacher mentions Satan...
Amelia
That would explain the cussing… but what about the ticks?
Randy
That’s the Poirot's! Your mind has no filter, and your body doesn't know what to do.
Amelia
It’s called Poulette's syndrome.
Randy
The Poirot's. It is called the Poirot's Syndrome.
We saw that on TV together, remember?
Amelia
Yes, I remember perfectly.
I remember it is called Poulette's Syndrome.
Randy
No, no, it’s Poirot's Syndrome!
I’m the one with the good memory.
You always get it wrong, always confusing names and things…
Amelia
Oh, really, Mr. Memory? You REMEMBERED our friend's party was last Saturday… It was Sunday! We showed up a day earlier and looked like idiots!
(angry)
We waited for 20 minutes and saw them come back from the market!
Randy
I helped them get their bags into the kitchen
Amelia
Randy!
Randy
They did say Saturday….
Amelia
No!
(beat)
They didn’t!
(beat)
Now I won’t be invited to play Mah Jong with them ever again!...
Randy
With those old women?
Amelia
… and if they do, I won’t be able to show up!
Randy
You can come fishing with me!
Amelia
That’d be the day!
(infuriated) After you humiliated me in front of my friends?
Are you for real?
Randy
They did say Saturday…
Amelia
No! They did not say Saturday! They said Sunday!
You said that because you wanted to go fishing that Sunday!
Amelia writhes and makes guttural noises, trying to contain her frustration. She explodes.
Amelia
And you did!
(beat) You went fishing anyway, MOTHERFUCKER!!
Randy
I had everything ready…
I talked to John the day before…
How could I cancel…
(beat)
It would have broken his heart…
Amelia
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
You heartless motherfucker!
Randy
Now, now… There’s no need for that kind of language….
It was an honest mistake…
Amelia
Honest mistake, my ass!
You remembered the fishing rods!
You remembered the bait!
The cooler!
The beers!
(beat)
You have a Fish-brain!
Don't remember shit but going fishing with your fucking friends!
Randy looks at Amelia like he’s seen this happen before. He does not say or do anything but look from a distance.
Amelia
You don’t remember shit!
You don’t remember our anniversary!
You don’t even remember my birthday!!!
I’m surprised you remember where the fuck you live!
How the fuck do you get back home from work every day?
(beat)
I bet you remember John’s birthday!
(Randy shrugs
Randy
Wait a minute! I remember where we saw that! It wasn’t on TV. It was in the paper.
Randy reaches for the newspaper and flips its pages
Randy
(triumphantly) Here it is!
It’s called Tourette's syndrome!
Amelia
Let me see that…
Ha!
(beat)
Look at that shit!
Randy
We were both close…
Amelia
It looks like we were…
I think I owe you an apology… I may have said some things I didn’t mean…
Randy
You know what I think… I think yesterday, talking with Rose and her daughter…
You may have gotten Tourette’s syndrome from her!
Amelia
I did feel a little funny this morning…
(beat)
I had to go to the bathroom twice!
Amelia coughs, and Randy touches her forehead with the back of his hand, feeling her temperature.
Randy
Mmm…
(beat)
Tell you what, why don’t you get in bed and wait for me?
I’ll make you a nice chicken soup.
You’ll be A-ok in the morning.
Amelia
I think that’s a good idea… I still owe you an apology…
Randy
Nah… It was the Tourette’s talking…
Go to bed and wait for me. I’ll get that soup started and go keep you company.
Amelia
Oh, honey. How can you be so good to me, after all I said to you?
(beat - she thinks for a minute)
How long do you think the soup will take?
Randy
I dunno… 15, 20 minutes…
Amelia
I’ll take a shower while you cook. Then I’ll put on that nice silk nightgown you gave me for my birthday… The black one… and take care of my big man!
Randy
That sounds like a great idea…
Amelia thinks for a minute…
Amelia
Do you think you could put up with me having Tourette’s for a little longer?
(beat) (hesitant)
I feel like saying a few things in bed…
(shyly)
Tourette's things...
Randy mouths out “Tourette’s things”.
Randy
(realizing) Oooh!
(beat)
That’s ok, baby, you can have Tourette’s for as long as you need…
I’ll be right back, that soup is not gonna make itself…